Mandii's Journal

Time:

3:07 pm.

I want to scream the emotions I feel inside. Tell every single thing on my mind. Let every single, tiny thing come flooding out of me, emotions wavering over every typed figure. These letters, these numbers, these symbols, everything

I want to sing out everything in one song, dedicate that song to everyone, and then walk away. And die.

I'm watching the 22nd Ayashi no Ceres episode. The episode Shuro's in? I guess that is what makes me feel like this. When she dies. Dies singing her last breath. And goes to be with the one she loves. I love it. I adore it. I completely am entranced by everything it stands for. I am HAPPY listening to that song. Singing it. Singing with all that I am. I was singing it last night when I heard it. Not knowing the words, no, of course not. I was singing a whole different everything. Words I don't know. Words I doubt anyone, anyone at all knows. But it was beautiful. The fullest, the most put out and forward sound I had ever sung.

It wasn't my song...I didn't create it. But it expressed everything and anything I have EVER felt, and will ever feel at all.

I felt so happy singing it. So free and happy. I always feel that way when I'm singing, but never to the extent of that. I was merely singing just to sing.

And...I said in my journal I'd never cried during the series.

No. That wasn't the case. It was literally, but inwardly I was sobbing. With happiness. With joy. With every fiber of my being, I exhausted myself with this feeling. I pushed myself too hard though...and today, I felt emotionless. Nothing. Nothing at all.

Until I listened to it again. And again. And again.

That song truly makes me happy. Not depressed. Not lonely. Not scared. Not crying.

It makes me feel free.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	Happy holidays...
Time:	5:09 pm.
Mood:	apathetic.

WHOO. Holiday angst. Isn't that all merry and happy and cheerful?

But...I feel it today. That...empty feeling when I talk to her. The feeling I'm ignored...I feel so lonely lately. I want to call her, I have for the past three days. Desperate am I? Probably. But...I'm so scared..that I'm growing away. That she's growing away.

I admit I'm jealous. Jealous of Checkers, Crysi, Yashahime-sama....jealous that I can't be like them. Heck. I'm even jealous of Hao. And he's a fricking 2D character for crying out loud...but...I wish I could be more like him. Not "evil", no...But stable. She told me once..that she needed stability. Well here am I, the opposite of stability. I can't hold anyone. I can't bear burdens. I can't...I can't keep anything inside...and keep standing tall, stiff and emotionless.

I admit..yes. I wish she'd love me in return. I admit that I wish that she'd be the same as she once was. I admit that I haven't changed any feelings about her. But...

Something there is changing..for the good of us? For the bad of us? I don't know. But there's a barrier there.

Jesus...please bless me with the power to break that barrier. I know its wrong....I know its just my selfishness. And maybe...I shouldn't. Maybe its like Adam and Eve and the forbidden fruit.

Maybe I should try to live in Eden forever and watch her, slowly walking away from me.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	4:04 pm.
Mood:	dirty.

Hello again, angst blog.

So...yes. This is my blog for angsting now. Which means...people shouldn't be reading this, but they may if they feel it important to know what goes on in my head.

I'm so depressed right now. I feel like I've lost my best friend in the past few days...she never wants to talk to me really, she's being...unlike herself, and she's always tired. I'm scared...

She said that unless she stated otherwise, that she would never get tired of me ranting and angsting to her...but somehow, in some weird sort of way, I feel like she said that yesterday. Its so...amazing how hard it is not complaining to her, not telling her everything about my life and how it is. I'm such a horrible friend. Its been proven yesterday.

God. I feel so horrible...I mean, really. Like I want to commit suicide. Or cut myself again. I just feel like nothing matters any more. I can't help anyone. No one can help me. Life would be...so much better without me, and I know that it would. No one would miss me...I doubt she would even miss me, even though she says she would. I don't think any of my friends really even care about what I do. Sure, they worry. But everyone does. I know I haven't blogged much, but I need to get this out.

::Sighs:: I just want someone to help me. Something to hang onto for support.

I seriously don't think I can hand onto her for support anymore....

I just want to curl up and die right now. And its all my fault. Its all my fault I'm depressed. All my fault that I can't listen. I just want to be okay again.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	2:05 am.
Mood:	moody.

Hmmm....

I think everyone's pretty much pissed off. Except for MAYBE Meli, cause she's almost never pissed off. But, looking around at blogs, rants, tiredness, and other various things, it seems as if EVERYONE IS PRETTY MUCH PISS-ED OFF-ED! >_>;

...Wahaha.

I am rather hyper now. Also rather drunk. Some combination of the two, I dunno.

I WANT EPISODE 13 OF YAMI NO MATSUEI!

Also, today, I downloaded the last of Gravi I haven't seen yet. Very happy about that....Shu-chan and Yuki cheer me up, yes they do. Of course, it was episode 12. Where Yuki pretty much leaves, and...um...YEAH. So it wasn't TOO TOO exciting...just...interesting. Sugaru-kun got a chance to make a big speech about how he had been compared to Tohma MANY times. And....he wanted to surpass him and be Bad Luck's keyboardist. YAHOOO~

Also...downloaded MOST of YnM....7-12. >_> MUST HAVE THIRTEEN! MUST HAVE SHIPPY TSUZUKIXHISOKA SCENES. BWAHAHA.

I must say...I'm scared now. X_X; Meli brought up Lyserg one time when Lily and I were talking about Muraki-san and his evil ways, and then suddenly Lily pops up with...

MurakiXLyserg.

>_>; OOOOOOKAY. Many reasons why Muraki would love Lyserg(A lot of sex appeal. Yep. XD At least in Muraki's eyes.)....But...Lyserg loving Muraki? Hm....Well. Muraki's pretty strong for one...Not to mention, I don't like to insult Lys, but...he's not exactly the smartest person in the world. Muraki could trick him easily. >_>;

The concept is rather mystifying.

I still hate Muraki. ::Shivers::

Okay...well...what else? Hmm...

I've realized that English in Japanese anime is darn near impossible to hear. Not to mention...the ones that you CAN hear sound extremely stupid. >_>; ::pout::

Also...I was being somewhat of a jerk earlier. XD Just in my pathetic ways. X_x; I can be too damn SENSITIVE sometimes....Bleh. But its true. I always take mean things to heart. No matter HOW many things nice they say, I'll always be upset and mistrustful of them until they take it back.

I'm thinking I need a new role model/idol. >_>; Both of the two I currently admired don't exactly LIKE me admiring them. X_x; Boy. That really boosts my self esteem! Thanks a lot! >_>;

But...I shall look. Far and wide. For someone new to idolize.

Then you guys won't have me depressing you or giving you wrinkles anymore. >>;

...Whee~...::Watches Cowboy!Ryuichi just pass Shuichi by over and over again:: >_>;

Quote of the Day:

Myself

You should never let the people that you admire the most know that you admire them. They will hate you and make your self esteem divide by a very long number.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	8:28 pm.
Mood:	cynical.

Hello. :) I am now going to tell you all a story.

The day started like any other. She woke up, kind of in a daze, it was about noon. She stepped off the couch where she had fallen asleep late last night after watching some movies. She stumbled to the computer room to get on the internet like she always did. However...her dad was in there. So she couldn't get on the internet, sadly.

Then, Mandii went over to her room, turned up some music, and just strewn herself all over the bed and pondered her existance. Then, her mom called for her to come here, and she stood up, and walked to the living room. Her mother handed her a package, and Mandii opened it up...

Lily had sent her ManKin, volume 10.

Being as Mandii hardly ever got manga, she ran to her room happily, and read the letter Lily sent her. She was really happy after that. Then, the happy family went to Spaghetti Warehouse to eat yummy italian food, and the World Market to get Pocky and rice candy. Mandii thought that nothing else could ruin her day.

She got home, and fixed the internet on the other computer so that she could get on. She chatted and chatted from six to seven, and then watched Big Brother and cheered when Josh and Roddy were put up because she hated both of them.

When the show ended, her luck started to go downhill. She got online again, and surfed websites and stuff.

Upon then, she came across CTR's diary. She blinked a minute, reading...and...came to the part about herself. And being the self centered, weak, emotionally unstable person she was, she got extremely depressed and decided after all the good things that had happened today, her day was now completely ruined.

Wasn't that a good story? >_>;

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	7:34 pm.
Mood:	indifferent.
Music:	"Firefly" - A-Teens.

Man...blogging is getting boring these days. Hmm.

Hello hello! ^_^ I'm back from Austin...had a WONDERFUL time. I learned a lot, and I had the cutest kitty in the world scratch me...::Counts:: Four times. :D Not really good...but...it covers my scars from when I cut myself. So it serves its purpose.

I've learned a few things on this trip.

a) My cousin is extremely smart. >_>;

b) Leaving would contradict this entry(http://www.deadjournal.com/talkpost.bml?itemid=2182860)

c) Sure. Times aren't the best they have been. People have been hurt, but still. I love my friends online more than any real friends I could make. And even in the real world, this shit happens.

d) ...Answers can be right in front of you, but it can take a while to actually see them.

So I'm not going to leave. Thanks to my cousin. Honestly..its so easy when you think about it. But why was it so hard to see? Hmm....I dunno. x_x;

...Also...

I have found Robbie.

...Joy.

Quote of the Day:

A-teens, Firefly

Could you forgive? And learn how to forget?
Hear me as I'm calling out your name.
Firefly come back to me, make the night as bright as day
I'll be looking out for you, tell me that you're lonely too
Firefly come lead me on, follow you into the sun
That's the way it ought to be
Firefly come back to me

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	4:29 pm.
Mood:	indescribable.

Ack.

I am completely and utterly exhausted, emotionally and physically. Its so weird...I almost feel happy. Or...at least, happy to be still here.

I haven't decided exactly what to do. But, however, I thought about it a lot last night, and I'm thinking about taking a six week long vacation, starting when school starts.

So...what has happened? Well.

My computer crashed and had a virus, we rebooted and reinstalled everything. Which means my anime was completely wiped out, as was my music.

Yesterday night, we finally went to the mall. School shopping. End of story. -_-;

Also last night, I had a lot of trouble sleeping, and didn't get to bed till four. I woke up at eight.

Today, we ran around EVERYWHERE. It was 102 degrees outside, also, and most everywhere we went, the AC was broken.

My brother got me into trouble, and I had to wash the car. Also in triple digit heat.

I was vacuuming the car, and three times, the vacuum broke, and dust coated my face each of the three times.

So. After that happened, I finally just broke down and started crying. Whether it was because dust was in my eyes and nose, or because of all of the stress over the past few days got to me, I don't know. But I've cried for a long time, and I think I'm just going to quit for a while. Just sit here and revive my sanity and my health. I should really go take a nap...::Sigh::

But...

I'm not depressed at least.

Quote of the Day:
Yami-chan(http://yamichan.pitas.com)

yamichan88: The world has gone crazy and lost it's mind. The End.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	9:14 am.
Mood:	thoughtful.

Let's see.

There are two things I have been considering lately...and...I have reasons. I'm not trying to get pity at all, and I don't want people to try and talk me out of it. Its not for sure that I will do it, but it is very likely with the way everything is going.

1. Leaving the ManKin community. I love all my friends dearly, but they are all changing. And I'm pretty much staying the same. Like I said, I love them all, but all the stress flying around is really hard. Like the MantaXYohXManta vs. YohXAnna deal. I think I'd be better exploring it all on my own, and deciding what I think rather than my friends. Not to mention, I always feel betrayed everytime a new person comes onto the scene.

2. Leaving the internet all together. This would also be good because I probably won't be depressed as often. Chatting is fun and stuff....but...I don't like it. I used to do public chatting, but I went away from that because everyone seemed to hate each other.

Suggestions would be appreciated. Oh, and Lily? I'm not depressed.

Bye.

Quote of the Day:
Graduation, Vitamin C

As we go on
We remember
All the times we've
Had together
And as our lives change
Come whatever
We will still be
Friends forever

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Time:	10:24 pm.
Mood:	pensive.

::Sigh::

Lets see. What has happened in the past few days..? Lots.

1. The move. This probably was the biggest thing that happened...it doesn't make me feel awful, doesn't make me feel really happy. Its pretty, and I'm in love with my house, but...0.

2. The car broke down on the way here. That still scares me...I remember it, I mean. Just...all that smoke in front of us, being waken from my sleep with my mom yelling at me to call my dad...it scared me. A lot. ;_; And plus, we're short a lot of money. So that really worries me. -1

3. My grandparents are here. God...I love them both to death, but I can't stand it when they fight. Call me a baby and a coward, but I can't stand curse words being said in front of me. And yet...I use them. So strange. -2

4. My desk. Sure, not very important. But I love it to death, and can't wait to use it. It made me feel very, very happy. Especially since my parents bought it for me. I'm not saying that their mean or anything, but normally things that I use to my own advantage, I have to buy. :3 One plus. Score is -1 now.

5. We still haven't gone to the mall. A funny thing to be upset about, but...jeez, I'm a TEENAGER, people! And I know the Home Depot better than I know the mall! ;_; So sad. ::Sobsob:: -2. Again

6. There is a DDR machine within five miles from here. *____* I haven't played it yet, which is also sad...so...-2 still.

7. BIG BROTHER! XD Yes, I'm an idiot for loving reality shows, but I can't help it. Big Brother is possibly my favorite. The RP I mentioned earlier reminds me of it. Oh, and COREY! >P You are mean. "So now you've gone from changing people into chibis to changing them to the opposite gender? >>;" Yes. Yes I have. But I don't do it as much as I did wif the chibifying. :3 I just did it once. For interest's sake. Actually...Meli did it. I just went along with it. Wahaha. -1

8. Checkers parents' divorce. I don't even KNOW her...or, at least, I haven't talked to her as much as all the others. But...divorce is a touchy and sad subject with me. And I don't know what to say, so I ignore her, and feel terrible about it..but hopefully she reads this message...that....I hope it goes well. ::Sighs:: -2.

...So. I have a -2 mood score. Depressed somewhat, more bad than good. >_<; I'm such a baby, I get so depressed about little things.

We went to a Rangers game tonight. It was sort of spontaneous, but I loved it. The stadium was cool to see~ I want to see the Rookie again, just to say "I've been there! I've been there!" ::Giggles:: Heh. XD

I want to go to the mall.

I want my prismacolors.

I want to play DDR.

WHY WON'T LIFE HURRY UP?!

x_x;

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	1:28 am.
Mood:	awake.
Music:	"I'll Make a Man Out of You" - Mulan.

I'm sosososoooo very haaaaaappy~

n_n

Actually, its three thirty in the morning and I'm not tired yet. But I'm not crying either. Thus, I'm happy. See?

I keep thinking about our RP online and how MUCH I want to keep RPing it. Its very odd, and since no one has explained it in great detail...

I shall.

So. Once upon a time, there was a girl named Meli. Now, this girl typed a lot, and was...okay at it. But...like all of us, she made mistakes. She just happened to make the worst mistake of all.

Thus.

The HO SPRINGS were born.

Then, there was this ho named Yoh. See, it rhymes. Yoh ho~ Like a pirate. So he dragged his friend Manta to the hot springs.

Then, there was this pack of rabid fangirls. One was Meli, who had made the Ho Springs in the first place. Another was...Yami. Who was probably the most mature of them. Then...Sephy. Who was nifty. And last, but not least..ME. MANDII. YAY.

After a freak accident that was pretty much on purpose, we all were guys. Meli turned into Tomii. Yami turned into Yamato. Sephy turned into Sen. And I, Mandii, turned into Manta. So, "Manta", not knowing she was really a he yet, glomped Yoh as soon as she/he saw him. Yoh freaked out, and "Manta" soon realized that she was indeed, a he. She made up an excuse, claiming as the Manta from the future, where he and Yoh were married and lived happily ever after.

So. This is where the madness starts.

Manta is no longer Mandii, but her "guy half" in a sense. He's completely infatuated with Yoh. This leads to a lot of problems, and he dislikes the real Manta for stealing his Yoh-kuhn away. Oh...and also for the real Manta hitting him in the head with a brick when he wouldn't let go.

Yamato is no longer Yami, but the same as Manta is to Mandii. He's addicted to pain releivers, and has passed out twice...which I guess means he's overdosed twice. e_e; He's quite mean to Manta, and tends to tease him a LOT for his obsession with Yoh. He's also rather antisocial, but vury popular as well.

Sen is no longer Sephy, same thing as the others. He has a drinking problem, I suppose...he loves Yamato when he's drunk. And hates him when he's sober. I'm not sure, because I wasn't there for a lot of the plot development between the two, but Yamato somehow betrayed Sen, making Sen have a bit of a vengeance towards him.

Tomii, Seiryu, Rokuda(I guess?) and a few others are Meli's characters. The only one I really have seen develop is Seiryu, who has a major crush on Manta...however, Manta turned him down, saying that he still belonged to Yoh-kuhn, although Yoh didn't love him back. Manta is a very confusing character, he is. ::Nods::

Anyway, its kind of strange. They were thrown in a house together, and that's how it starts. Yoh is pretty much the only ManKin character involved, although the real Manta has a few parts in the beginning. :3

I love the character that I have. He's so...messed up. He's completely obsessed, as I said before. The pure image of a fanboy. He's OBVIOUSLY gay, and seems to flaunt this more than anyone in the house. He and Yoh have come pretty close lately, but NOT enough for a romance, I gather.

Today, was pretty much a total turning point. A lot of things happened. Manta was singing "Think I'll go Eat Worms" at the top of his lungs, and then Seiryu hugged him before he could finish....Manta was stunned completely. They stayed in their positions for a few minutes, until Yamato came into the room, made fun of Manta, and Manta and Seiryu both left.

Enter the graveyard. Manta follows Seiryu to this point, and rather quickly, tells him that he doesn't feel the same way. He loves Yoh. And will ALWAYS love Yoh, probably. After giving a rushed apology, he leaves, and feels awful for a few hours. It troubles him to the point where he goes to Yoh for help, seeing as Yoh had just told him the same thing before...only with the real Manta.

This part was so sweet...it almost made me support the pairing. Of course I wouldn't do that to my real little Manta. :3

Anyhow...Manta talks to himself for a few minutes, about how if he had never laid eyes on Yoh, if he had never gone to the springs, all of this stuff wouldn't happen and they'd all go about living their happy lives. Yoh steps in and they talk for a while, and the question comes up...

"How can you look someone in the face when you turn them away?"

Yoh looks to him for a while, and tears well up in his eyes.

"You can't. Not without crying."

...Oi...it might be just a tad OOC for Yoh...but. BUT. *_* Tis loverly. And they comforted each other, basically. :3

While all this sap and angst is going on, Yamato realizes...that in fact, he is addicted to Tylenol. XD He has BOTTLES of the stuff. And my smart alter ego figured it out. Although...although...Poor guy. ::Hugs Yamato:: He's pretty much gonna try to quit. XD I drew a picture of him today though. With bottles of Tylenol around him. :3 He's now known as the Tylenol kid to me.

Have I rambled too much? If so, I'm sorry. XD This is probably the longest entry I have ever really typed, and not made a lot of lines, or not had a lot of quizzes.

What's really neat about this RP though is that...there's no time. No plot. All there is is just extremely weird characters living in a house together. Everything is messed up. EVERYTHING. Its like a soap opera or something. We don't keep track of it. We don't say "Wanna RP?" and start it up again, we just DO so.

Its a lot like how I used to RP. In public chats and stuff, I mean. Where there's no rules, except brackets for actions and mun stuff. Its very laid back and not stressful like all of the other RPs I've been doing in the past few months.

So...I'm done I think. I'll stay up for a minute or two more and surf. :3 Tis fun chatting this out. Oh~ this quote is cool. XD Ja.

Quote of the Day

I'll Make a Man Out of You, Mulan

Tranquil as a forest
But on fire within
Once you find your center
You are sure to win

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	A depressing story.
Time:	2:07 pm.
Mood:	depressed.
Music:	Boa - Duvet.

"Just this once.."

Tomoe Hotaru lifted the sleeve of her black turtleneck, looking at her forearm sadly. The pale white skin seemed to glow in the moonlight, her short black hair covering her face just in the right places. She raised her hand holding the razor, and stopped just inches from her wrist.

"Not now...I don't want to die...just make the pain go away..."

She had hurt another girl at school today. Everyone seemed to hate her...she wasn't normal, wasn't like other children. She was a witch to them.

"I didn't do anything...I didn't want to hurt anyone else.."

Hotaru slowly turned her arm over, and looked at the pale translucent skin. She tightened her grasp on the razor, and slowly put the blade on her unmarked skin. Firmly but slowly, she pulled it across her arm. The vivid red beads glimmered in the moonlight.

She was still alive. This was a test...to see if she was still bleeding, still breathing. She put a hand to her arm, wiping away the blood away. Tears came to her eyes.

"Why? Why did I do this?"

Easy, a voice replied in her head. You're alone. Always alone. No one cares about you...no one.

"No one..."

A choked sob came to her throat as she curled up in her bed. She placed the razor on the bed side table, her other hand continuing to wipe the blood away on the cut.

"I don't want to hurt anyone..."

...Yuss....

Two quotes for today, I forgot last time. ::Sighs::

Quotes of the Day:

Amy Studt, Just a Little Girl

Sometimes I feel you're not listening
Sometimes I feel you don't understand
But I think I've got the answer
Already know what you're gonna say
Cause I'm just a little girl, you see
But there's a hell of a lot more to me
Don't ever underestimate what I can do
Don't ever tell me how I'm supposed to be.

Boa, Duvet
I am falling
I am fading
Help me to breathe

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	11:31 am.
Mood:	grateful.

You are Kusakabe Marron | Kaito Jeanne

You are generous and talented, though often widthdrawn. You tend to have just a few close friends, rather than many. You appear very cheerful and enthusiastic, but struggle to keep up with what others expect of you. In the end, your perseverance and sacrifices help you pull through.

Take the "What Magic Girl are you?" Quiz

Hmm...That's nice, I suppose.

::Yawns:: Again, sorry about that bitchy entry before. I was way too confused and stuff, its okay now. I think weird things when I'm upset.

*___* I love my dad.

He got me a desk. Its what I REALLY REALLY NEED right now, especially for homework and drawing and stuff. Its okay to draw on my bed with a clipboard and a ream of paper, but...e_e; MY BEDSPREAD WAS COLORFUL! It was white and green, but I added purple, red, yellow, orange, and black to it. n___e;

Yay.

So anyway, my room is slowly shaping up. :D My grandparents are staying there right now....ah well.

Its hot here. Over 100 degrees. ::Falls:: Its so HOT compared to the things I'm used to...70s, 80s...

Okay, I'm done. Ja.

Comments: Add Your Own.